In a different context. I don't want to give birth at the moment, but I really want to put it into perspective. Where do my allegiances lie (my utterly honest, brutal, but unbridled) and where does my actual reality live?

Gotta make a choice, one of these days, because I'm getting really, really frustrated with myself for not making a whole hearted effort to make a final decision.

It has to be made soon, more or less before I decide to just leave the whole mess behind and start afresh.

If you've known me for a while, you know that I have phases of interest that wax and wane. I find that the busier I am, the happier I am. So it was very, very difficult to go through a physical injury a few years back and then follow it closely with a high risk pregnancy. The two mixed and there I found myself in a pretty fucked up dark place.

But I think about my stress level of late and even though I'm happily busy, I'm heading back into that sucky-ass vortex of negativity. It's been hard to stay positive since about September of this year - maybe the changing seasons, or the usual refluxing of family issues are the cause. I feel like there's this giant monkey on my back to be a certain person in order to maintain face with my valued organizations I'm involved in.

How do I honestly feel about being a parent who smokes on occasion, drinks on even less occasions, and uses icky disposable diapers on occasion? Then belong to natural parenting groups. Then work as a nurse and feel obligated to be a strong promoter of health promotion. Then work in the field of primary prevention as a volunteer with the LSS? You know, I can't be perfect all of the time - nobody can be. I'll take it on the chin, I'm proud to be a loving parent of my two girls. I'm proud of my past indiscretions because I've learned from them and was able to get past it. I'm extremely proud to work as a healer with a wide range of experiences to draw from. My life has been pretty high and low at different points. I feel like I have a lot to offer the world by not limiting myself to the gamut of possibilities.

So in terms of birth - I feel equally as satisfied being around the c-section and the primal-screaming-bush birth. I feel like I would support a woman, no matter her choices, and inevitably be able to not pass judgment on anyone. Sometimes I have my hang ups about people, but push coming to shove there are VERY few people in this world who I would deny care. Even then, I don't think I would deny someone of life.

I've really got to make some headway into a decision about all of this. In the end, my big deal is providing women with care at no cost except for karma and good energy. I'd like to be able to step out of my yurt, welcome a young woman in, help her birth and be part of the community to support her and her children for many many years. I really do crave that communal setting, where money isn't an issue but neither is safety and security. Where women can equally share in survival and support and not have to leave their families to provide it. Somewhere that clocks really don't exist, or calendars. But I don't want it to be weird either.

That's a huge and tall order, but utopia for me is all of those things plus a nice warm beach. Maybe a few horses, and we're set. How can I do that though? What will my journey include? In a sense, I'm glad that I took nursing for this journey. I'll be able to have a perspective that may give me an edge or an in.

Anyway, that's what kind of birth I am thinking about. A birth to a new life would be great, but I need to make this current life work for me too. That dream could change at the snap of a finger too - maybe tomorrow I'll want to be surfing on the west coast with some wicked cool bro's and ho's.

The month of November is rapidly ending, and I have a few FAQ-U's to say to this month:

1. Changing child care providers, FAKING sucks.
2. Picking and choosing which bills are going to collection to pay off first, FECK that's horrible.
3. Contemplating canceling the holidays - meh. I've been wanting to do that for a while.
4. F__K I hate the weather changing and the dark days/nights.
5. Being married is hard work (glad I did it, and I'm not alone on these cold/dark nights).
6. Frig, my dog needs to get his nuts chopped off.
7. Fudge, I have the H1N1 bull shit that this month has been. I just wanna celebrate health and promote it, not have to make these heavy health choices.
8. F*c* the economy here, the gravy train is over and the potash riches (which never were) are rapidly leaving the education system. Sorry kids, no school for you!
9. Faq-u to looking for work.
10. FML.

Other than that, I think that a Rider win on Sunday could make my November FACKING awesome!

Along with the bad, should come some good I suppose:

- I got a job!
- Met a new friend this month.
- I celebrate each day that I don't think I'm pregnant :)
- I think that with the holidays coming... maybe there will be some fun family moments.
- Made some cookies this month, a few times!
- Football was good this month!
- I got an award from the Lieutenant Govenor

And...

- I tried banana ketchup this month.
- Got to go to Melville and do a clinic.
- Did phlebotomy with my winter coat on!
- Kissed Jeremy, like twice or something.

So, that is about it for this month. Hoping December is better!!

Just feeling the weight of the family right now. Like my parenting decisions (which according to most pediatricians, parenting experts, and a handful of others aren't horrible decisions), are impacting everyone else. My career decision, also wrong. Aye. I can't seem to strike a balance between me happy = my family happy. Will my family be happier if I find a job that hurts me physically but brings home enough money so that everyone can have what they want when they want? Should I get more smallish jobs which backfire and hit me with evil amounts of hours? What about working on some of the courses and certification things I've started, which involves lots of research, reading, making media like webpages/handouts/photos etc... but then that means that there is a fight over who gets the computer. Then I have to rid myself of the baby suckling at me in order to type with two hands.

Webs. Weaved.

I can't solve the problem at 4 AM... but I can't fall asleep either.

This month seems to have flown by already. Not sure what I've gotten accomplished, just been keeping very busy with work and trying to keep a social life happening, keeping things interesting and light.

But have had some dark moments...maybe it's just the boredom, or the self-induced isolation.

Hoping for a pick-me-up soon.

Blaaachhh

Huuaahhhh

Sniiighh

And repeat, several times daily.

I feel so ick, who knows what freakin virus this is, if it's a Norwalk-like, the H1N1, regular old influenza, the 9 month flu, whatever. I don't care what it is, but my stomach feels like it's slowly turning inside out. The nausea centre in my brain is having a whoop whoop. And it's perfectly timed with a water main break.

Shit.

Kayah is talking now.

Boobs = beesh
Please = peesh
cracker = cock! cock!
Puppy = puppy
grandma = baba
food = momomomom
Mommy = momommmy
bye = bye
diaper change = bum!
hand = han
toes = toesh
owie = owie
book = boo
pie = pie
bootsy = boosh
night night = nienie

Feeling yuck today. I was feeling kind of lack luster yesterday - just a little under the weather. Nothing to blow smoke at though, and I figured it was just because I got up two hours earlier than I had been all weekend.

So I'm thinking that today should probably be about turkey soup and fluids?

Kayah is sleeping in for me right now.

I gotta save my energy for Blue Man Group tomorrow!!! Hooray.